Exhaustion

This is when I encourage everyone to join me in resting. Or healing. Or sobriety.

If you're just exhausted as me. Let's unite and sleep. All day. Everyday.

Deal?

Austin, Texas

I left Nashville, Tennessee October 9 of 2016 to drive to Austin. I had no plans, $1000 to my name and a position with Americorps. I've been called "crazy" a few times because of my "bravery" to drive 13 hours across the country by myself… but I'm not brave. I'm not crazy. I was in desperate need to find my purpose. I've legit never been the type of woman to sit around and wait for people to change my circumstances. I have always been the narrator of my own story. The heroine of my own melodramatic tales. The villain. I've even deliberately caused chaos in my own world in order to FEEL, something; anything.

So… I drove here to Austin, Texas in my 1999 Toyota Camry.

My CAmry was totaled a month after I arrived in a car wreck.

As soon as I arrived I went straight to a church. I knew Gods people would either 1. Welcome me in or 2. Bless me with some sort of monetary or spiritual gifting
And of course, I was right. A church on the east side paid for me to stay in a motel for an entire week. They didn't hesitate to bless me. I knew God was on my side and I knew I was meant to be here…

Fast forward a few months. I began drinking again, smoking again and fornicating (having sex) again. This time, I was a lot more frivolous! In the total of 9 months of being in Austin, I've tried mollly, ecstasy, and Xanax. I've been on road trips. I've been drunk out of my mind. I've been in situations my imagination couldn't even make up!!!!!!! I fell off completely.

Austin, Texas has shown me the worst parts of myself.

Am I ashamed? Nope. Am I embarrassed? Nope. I know exactly what I have done. I take full responsibility for my pathetic choices.

The absolute best part of losing myself was gaining a new perspective on drug abuse and fast money.

There are SO many young people here in Austin who have been doing the exact same things (if not worse) as me. I can't explain how dark life got for me. Words cannot describe the foggy and exhausting lifestyle that I began living.

I'm grateful that it only took me 9 months to fall down and get back up again.

I pray for my fellow millennials. I continuously pray for myself as well.

Nobody is exempt from reality.

Guarded Mind.

For anyone who wants my love, here, you can have it.

Openly, vulnerably, genuinely; it is yours.

But for anyone who wants my mind you have run out of time.

I have no ‘free’ game to offer or words of advice.

My mind has been tainted. I need a cleansed mind.

It does not think about butterflies, mermaids, and fairies anymore.

Freely given to anyone who asked… I allowed my mind to be beaten, battered and harassed

For now, you are no longer welcomed in my amygdala.

I don’t want memories of you and I.

I no longer desire to create any lasting, anything.

I’m fed up of lost dreams.

You can have my love.

Without spending time.

Without connecting dots.

We will coexist.

That’s it.

 

regaining my “self appreciation”, even when I fail myself.

For 23 years, I have been winning and losing uncontrollably. I can honestly admit that most of my losses were due to poor judgments, stupid decisions and careless actions. BUT, when I do win, I win BIG TIME. I remember when I was in Beijing, China; volunteering at a children’s orphanage. I was on a mission trip with Lifeworks International. 2011, this was a huge win for me because I was able to utilize my God given gifts as a humanitarian. Better yet, I was blessed to travel internationally as a young black girl born into poverty. While on my trip I encountered so many miraculous moments that have forever changed the way I seek love, and give love. I was growing in my experience.

Fast forward to 2017 (recently), I found myself head under water in debt. I decided to try stripping (yes, STRIP CLUB STRIPPER). What a fool I was to believe it would fulfill some kind of ‘bucketlist’ list and make me feel ALIVE. Don’t get me wrong, the experience itself was not bad. However, when I examine who I am at the core, it’s pitiful. I went from being this dreamer… Always praying for God to make me some sort of hero so that I could influence (positively) other young poor black girls. But I wasn’t. I was only perpetuating the stereotype that IF YOU ARE DOING BAD, STRIPPING IS ALWAYS AN OPTION. But I did not use the money to help fund anything positive, I did not even do it for longer than a week…. I was playing a fool ON PURPOSE.

Being a woman who is free spirited, I’ve found myself doing, saying and unintintionally creating a world of darkness and chaos.

At this point, I am consciously probing myself to look back at 2011. I have to remember who I am genuienly. Who I have always been before the BOOZE, BLUNTS AND BOUGIE MEN… In this very moment, I was relearning myself. Or, I guess a better term would be, reinventing myself. 

And I appreciate myself for this moment. I am grateful to myself. I am honest with myself. I CAN be ANYTHING that I want to be. I am free in that regard; but what I failed to identify was my true identity. I failed myself this year because I did not remember who I was…

“I can be anything that I want to be. I am free in that regard; but what I failed to identify was my true identity.”

Honestly, I don’t think I knew what I was. Who I was. And what it meant to truly be a hero. Right now, I am my own hero because I am saving my future self from the false ideology that NOTHING REALLY MATTERS. 

Because I matter. My purpose matters. My self love, MATTERS.

 

That is how you conquer your demons, and continue saving your own life.

Bills, Bills, Bills…

I can’t express how annoyed I am by my own complacency. I swear, I do dream BIG. But my actions are so opposite of my dreams.

In order to be wealthy, I must first be rich, and before I can even think of riches; I have to catch up and pay off debts that hinder me from even being able to live lavish.

 

Its time to knock out some of these bills, and collections I have been putting on hold.

AMERICA, YOU WON’T WIN. I SWEAR, I will conquer these demons!! (YES, bills are from the devil). lol

I feel alive even though I am so unsure what my future will be like…

Or look like, or sound like, or any of that. I feel so  unbothered some moments, and others, I feel so ashamed and gothy. (As in gothy, I mean emo). I am seriously going through a mid-twenties-crisis and I just want to freaking find myself; yet again.

 

I hope I am not the only 23 year old feeling so lowly. I swear I don’t wish bad on anyone, and I try to keep my shitty decisions to a minimum. People have to know that 20-somethings are difficult and daunting. Living becomes cynical and working seems like a never ending chore… I just want to be on an island, sipping tea and enjoying a man who enjoys me.

 

But that is NOT my reality. I am a natural messup. I just somehow get out of things alive. I ruin my finances and I don’t save enough. I party wayyy too much and I trust the wrong people constantly. It is honestly exhausting dealing with myself most days.

Sometimes, I wish that time would just fast forward so that I can be old and grey with tons of great great grandchildren running around. Hopefully a handsome husband that loves me and I love deearrly. I still want to be goofy, free and spiritual; of course. 

 

I dont like everything about myself. Some of my character flaws have gotten me into too many horrible situations. I can only pray to be a better 24 year old and so on… 

Can we both agree that we’re just sort of learning this whole life thing together?