Happiness hit hard, like a train.

Coming towards me,

Can't move.

No turning back.

I think happiness wants me, I want it; too.

Happiness why did I have to get hurt to meet you?
I figure it's necessary.

Nonetheless, I am so glad we've met.

Train wreck of a life, but, now eye am the wifey of happiness.

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Do not

Doubt yourself. This gives others the opportunity to openly and shamelessly doubt you. You and I both can agree it is hard to gather strength after an extreme financial, material or relational loss… It isn’t easy being human. FOR ANYONE.

Rich or Poor choose your fate. Indirectly. Directly. Whatever.

What is that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach?

I suppose it could be boredom. Or denial. Maybe I just feel extra unfulfilled this morning. All I know is that I need to be free from this stupid  negative emotion. I really despise negativity, especially when it is coming from my own self.

God has surely changed my life. I woke up wanting, NEEDING, YEARNING to get up and book a flight or a greyhound ticket. I want to travel somewhere right now. ANYWHERE BUT HERE. I want to be on the open road. I want to enjoy a weekend alone; again.

Ugh. I just want to fly away today.

This is why I enjoy writing. I start with a thought, or a question and I surprisingly answer the exact question that I couldn’t figure out in my own head. Writing gives me perspective. Also, now I know what that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach is… 

I have the wanderlust blues. 

Weird world.

I dont want to be a house wife, but I want to be someones’ wife one day.

I dont want to be stuck in one place, but I desire stability.

I dont really even want a permanent career without flexibility.

BUT I want to own a Performing Arts Foundation,

Where do I start? How do I start? What sets me apart from EVERY other dreamer?

Weird world. Weird person. Strangers calling, I cant pick up.

I just dont have the time nor energy to be what the World wants me to be.

 

I dont even know how to be what I want to be.

 

Weird world, weird girl.

Exhaustion

This is when I encourage everyone to join me in resting. Or healing. Or sobriety.

If you're just exhausted as me. Let's unite and sleep. All day. Everyday.

Deal?

Austin, Texas

I left Nashville, Tennessee October 9 of 2016 to drive to Austin. I had no plans, $1000 to my name and a position with Americorps. I've been called "crazy" a few times because of my "bravery" to drive 13 hours across the country by myself… but I'm not brave. I'm not crazy. I was in desperate need to find my purpose. I've legit never been the type of woman to sit around and wait for people to change my circumstances. I have always been the narrator of my own story. The heroine of my own melodramatic tales. The villain. I've even deliberately caused chaos in my own world in order to FEEL, something; anything.

So… I drove here to Austin, Texas in my 1999 Toyota Camry.

My CAmry was totaled a month after I arrived in a car wreck.

As soon as I arrived I went straight to a church. I knew Gods people would either 1. Welcome me in or 2. Bless me with some sort of monetary or spiritual gifting
And of course, I was right. A church on the east side paid for me to stay in a motel for an entire week. They didn't hesitate to bless me. I knew God was on my side and I knew I was meant to be here…

Fast forward a few months. I began drinking again, smoking again and fornicating (having sex) again. This time, I was a lot more frivolous! In the total of 9 months of being in Austin, I've tried mollly, ecstasy, and Xanax. I've been on road trips. I've been drunk out of my mind. I've been in situations my imagination couldn't even make up!!!!!!! I fell off completely.

Austin, Texas has shown me the worst parts of myself.

Am I ashamed? Nope. Am I embarrassed? Nope. I know exactly what I have done. I take full responsibility for my pathetic choices.

The absolute best part of losing myself was gaining a new perspective on drug abuse and fast money.

There are SO many young people here in Austin who have been doing the exact same things (if not worse) as me. I can't explain how dark life got for me. Words cannot describe the foggy and exhausting lifestyle that I began living.

I'm grateful that it only took me 9 months to fall down and get back up again.

I pray for my fellow millennials. I continuously pray for myself as well.

Nobody is exempt from reality.

Guarded Mind.

For anyone who wants my love, here, you can have it.

Openly, vulnerably, genuinely; it is yours.

But for anyone who wants my mind you have run out of time.

I have no ‘free’ game to offer or words of advice.

My mind has been tainted. I need a cleansed mind.

It does not think about butterflies, mermaids, and fairies anymore.

Freely given to anyone who asked… I allowed my mind to be beaten, battered and harassed

For now, you are no longer welcomed in my amygdala.

I don’t want memories of you and I.

I no longer desire to create any lasting, anything.

I’m fed up of lost dreams.

You can have my love.

Without spending time.

Without connecting dots.

We will coexist.

That’s it.