regaining my “self appreciation”, even when I fail myself.

For 23 years, I have been winning and losing uncontrollably. I can honestly admit that most of my losses were due to poor judgments, stupid decisions and careless actions. BUT, when I do win, I win BIG TIME. I remember when I was in Beijing, China; volunteering at a children’s orphanage. I was on a mission trip with Lifeworks International. 2011, this was a huge win for me because I was able to utilize my God given gifts as a humanitarian. Better yet, I was blessed to travel internationally as a young black girl born into poverty. While on my trip I encountered so many miraculous moments that have forever changed the way I seek love, and give love. I was growing in my experience.

Fast forward to 2017 (recently), I found myself head under water in debt. I decided to try stripping (yes, STRIP CLUB STRIPPER). What a fool I was to believe it would fulfill some kind of ‘bucketlist’ list and make me feel ALIVE. Don’t get me wrong, the experience itself was not bad. However, when I examine who I am at the core, it’s pitiful. I went from being this dreamer… Always praying for God to make me some sort of hero so that I could influence (positively) other young poor black girls. But I wasn’t. I was only perpetuating the stereotype that IF YOU ARE DOING BAD, STRIPPING IS ALWAYS AN OPTION. But I did not use the money to help fund anything positive, I did not even do it for longer than a week…. I was playing a fool ON PURPOSE.

Being a woman who is free spirited, I’ve found myself doing, saying and unintintionally creating a world of darkness and chaos.

At this point, I am consciously probing myself to look back at 2011. I have to remember who I am genuienly. Who I have always been before the BOOZE, BLUNTS AND BOUGIE MEN… In this very moment, I was relearning myself. Or, I guess a better term would be, reinventing myself. 

And I appreciate myself for this moment. I am grateful to myself. I am honest with myself. I CAN be ANYTHING that I want to be. I am free in that regard; but what I failed to identify was my true identity. I failed myself this year because I did not remember who I was…

“I can be anything that I want to be. I am free in that regard; but what I failed to identify was my true identity.”

Honestly, I don’t think I knew what I was. Who I was. And what it meant to truly be a hero. Right now, I am my own hero because I am saving my future self from the false ideology that NOTHING REALLY MATTERS. 

Because I matter. My purpose matters. My self love, MATTERS.

 

That is how you conquer your demons, and continue saving your own life.

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