Toxic: Loving the right person at the wrong time

I don’t want to live in silence any longer. I am speaking of silence of heart. How my heart feels. Right now, my heart is broken. LITERALLY! Today I woke up to another ridiculous text message from an ex… Literally my 2nd ex in my entire life. I am not including men I was interested in or had any sexual relationship with; I am referring to Love. I never loved anyone so much… I tried my best. I did everything a woman of my age, maturity and vulnerability could possibly do. I traveled cross country to make us work. I gave up freedoms. I refused other mens’ friendship… I really put my social life on hold.

 

Now, as I think about the rude, inconsiderate text message that I received, I can only think of how much I loved him. I think of the sadness I probably caused by sending that angry (excuse the vulgarity) “FUCK YOU” text message. I get literally sick to my stomach when I think about him sexing or even sexting someone else. Yet, here I am moving on. He did first though.. I feel angry. I feel confused!!! Every step of this breakup has gotten worse, every time I try looking back… God, I just want to fall in love with someone else already!!!!!!! I hate feeling helpless and ashamed of myself. I can’t let him kill my self-love. I had self-love before him and I refuse to let him cut me deeply…

HONESTLY, I feel like he never really even knew me. Like everything we experienced was a lucid dream or some wild sh**! I am so frustrated with how he feels about me.. He called me fake, selfish, ‘easy’, and all sorts of hateful things… THE WORST was how he insisted I never loved him and I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOVE…. 😦

You’re not wifey type

I gave him every bit of love that I knew. I knew how to give, I gave. I knew how to listen, I listened. I knew how to appreciate, and I appreciated. I just never learned how to be dependent, and I can never see myself depending on someone else’s decisions or judgement of how I should live my life.

I want you to know, if you’re reading this, we will never speak again. You don’t have to worry about me moving backwards with you. You may hate me, but I resent you which is even worse. You said some wicked things to me… How you feel towards me is you’re right. I can validate you’re feelings. I can admit my faults. But I will not continue belittling myself or my self worth by accepting this kind of love. We are finally over. 

 

My love wasn’t noticed. I thought we could be friends but he was right… We could never be friends. Ever.

 

It. is. officially.. Over..

 

Welcome to my first big break up. At 23, I never knew a love quite like this… 

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