journal entry: 8.6.14

“I honestly feel like people wanted me to feel like sh**. But, I don’t. I actually feel as though that mistake woke me up to myself. Like Brandon said, “You gotta learn on your own.” That’s so true. I had to learn on my own. I bet I won’t trust another man, being closed doors, again. My fear of proving myself actually proved I was wrong. Being wrong hurts and it made me feel like the bottom of the barrel. But, naw, Atlanta will not destroy me. I refuse to let one city take my soul. NOPE! All the shi** he called me only woke me up to him. He’s no better than any of these men I’ve encountered. Just like Harry kept saying “we’re both grown. Stop being childish,” when I told him I didn’t want to have sex. Also, he knew I had no way of getting home and he kept saying “Go ahead go home.” FU**TARD UGH! I drank a whole bottle of wine. I should have known. But now I do. I blame myself. But I had to learn. But I will not make the mistake again.

 

Anyways (disassociating), God is so good to me. The simple fact that one situation cleared the path for me to do my thing… man… that’s powerful. I didn’t realize that being wrong felt so liberating. The world makes being wrong seem so imprisoning. But no, making mistakes truly does take you from one level to the next.”

 

I wrote this journal entry 4 days after my sexual assault by a coworker. I was still in a state of shock, self-blame, and deep rooted denial. I was afraid that admitting that I had been raped, even in my own journal, would make it real… After all, ‘I shouldn’t have went to drink wine with a man behind closed doors, right?

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