I’ve been homeless for a year now and I can’t seem to come out of it. I feel like I am going in circles; like every step I take I am sinking further and further into dismay. I feel exhausted. I honestly feel like I have outgrown myself and now I am constantly looking at myself from a distance. I have been awakened to my purpose and now I am walking in full fledged faith. How… Liberating!!!!!
To be able to say that is a sign of healing for me. To admit to you, I am vulnerable and tired I am healed.. To actually say “I feel,” has become a success in every instance. In many retrospects, I feel more like a child. I almost feel as though as I was growing up I was being reborn again… It is almost like I am a small child, again. My eyes water when I see something I want or even need. I scream for attention. I am always trying to get others to listen to me. I feel…. ALIVE.
I was asleep for a while. I was hopeless. Sad. Ashamed. Belittled. I was ‘Walking Dead’. The worst part about reflecting on this past year is that I have to acknowledge that I let people walk all over me. I allowed mean words and evil deeds to become my daily interaction. There were people that I let into my World; people who were Vampires spirits. They sucked every little piece of peace that I had acquired and latched unto me. I accepted abuse from these people. I accepted a little boys love that was tainted; cause “Nobodies perfect” right? Oh, how sad it is to be unconscious to your own reality.
It was rough being a part of the “Walking Dead”. Being unaware of the way you feel or how someone treats you or even how you don’t feed your body. It’s the worst way to live and the favor on my life is what has saved me… I am saved!
In my homelessness I have met myself again and again. In my most recent reunion, I was looking at myself in the mirror of my Town-home bathroom. I couldn’t stop crying because I was seeing myself. The tears that kept falling from my face was reassurance that I wasn’t truly crazy. I wasn’t losing my mind. This may sound very peculiar to say this but, in reality I hadn’t physically seen myself in months. Although I had been around many mirrors, gotten ready every morning for work and did my hair/makeup/sang in my own reflection; there was no me. I was lost in my situation. I was existing. Surviving. For the past year I have been living with no faith. I was worshiping false Gods. Idolizing places, and things. I was looking for love in the World. I was looking for love in all of the wrong places. But, I am home now. I am at home with my God.
I see myself again, today. Today, I woke up and wrapped my hair and put on a jump suit and I feel good. I got text messages of love from my boyfriend. My future husband. My future father of our kids. My Blessing! I got three messages from him and it made me feel good, too. I feel alive again. It feels good to like him. I like having a crush on him and to not expecting anything. But, to be surprised by his genuine Spirit is a blessing; he’s a man of God.
Yes, I am still homeless and yes, I look darn great homeless…. As Ed Sheeran sang “Its not a homeless life for me, I’m just home less than I like to be.”