I feel alive even though I am so unsure what my future will be like…

Or look like, or sound like, or any of that. I feel so  unbothered some moments, and others, I feel so ashamed and gothy. (As in gothy, I mean emo). I am seriously going through a mid-twenties-crisis and I just want to freaking find myself; yet again.

 

I hope I am not the only 23 year old feeling so lowly. I swear I don’t wish bad on anyone, and I try to keep my shitty decisions to a minimum. People have to know that 20-somethings are difficult and daunting. Living becomes cynical and working seems like a never ending chore… I just want to be on an island, sipping tea and enjoying a man who enjoys me.

 

But that is NOT my reality. I am a natural messup. I just somehow get out of things alive. I ruin my finances and I don’t save enough. I party wayyy too much and I trust the wrong people constantly. It is honestly exhausting dealing with myself most days.

Sometimes, I wish that time would just fast forward so that I can be old and grey with tons of great great grandchildren running around. Hopefully a handsome husband that loves me and I love deearrly. I still want to be goofy, free and spiritual; of course. 

 

I dont like everything about myself. Some of my character flaws have gotten me into too many horrible situations. I can only pray to be a better 24 year old and so on… 

Can we both agree that we’re just sort of learning this whole life thing together?

Bonjour toute le monde

J’ai Chantier but I prefer to be called Bonnie. Anyone who is new to my life, or journey or even blog, here is where you can catch up.

 

I am glad I finally am brave enough to share this… It is so personal, but necessary that you get to know me through a long history of who I truly am. You probably met me once or twice or maybe we kicked it and exchanged numbers. Idk, either way, don’t lose touch.

 

Welcome to my blog, I hope you enjoy getting to know my truth.

SMBC

S is for the selflessness I seek

M is for the monetary gifts

B is for the very very blessed life we will live.

and

C is for Christs love for us!!!!

 

 

AHHHH!!!!!! 23 years old, and I have finally discovered something I can be really great at. After these last few years that have really made me feel a lot more a-sexual, than anything, I do believe I have a choice in my future lifestyle.

 

Anyways, I live in Austin, Texas officially. So over everythinng except for seeking the LORD and the highest vibrations of joy and peace.

Free 

Honestly, I feel so inspired by everyone around me. From the artists, to the trap dudes, even strippers. I love the individuality in the world outside of my own. I’ve considered stripping recently… yes, I need the money. But more importantly, I can do whatever I like. 
And that, is enough. 💜

Hostile

Angry 

Upset 

Weirded out 

Like, how, why, when…

I’d like to point out…

Nevermind, I’m not in the mood. 

I don’t feel like it. Go away!

Wait, stay. Don’t do me like that

You are ocean deep 

I’m like a puddle. 

Knee deep in my pussay

Calling out my name

Shut up fool!!! 

Ugh. 

Ugh. 

Hostile… mentally insane

Evolving

How powerful is it to have someone speak truth into you? Even if I don’t process the advice or enlightenment, I know that I see. Listen, I could be dead asleep! I could easily forget everything that people told me and not take their wisdom into consideration. I thank the Lord for keeping me alive. Not even for life but for how often reality changes, did y’all notice? One moment you are 100% sure you know; then you realize you know nothing at all. How dreadful would it be if you [or I] weren’t conscious to our lives? Most sob stories have a mediocre ending.

 

 

Well, mine…. My ending is going to completely shock everyone. When I am looking down from heaven, even I, will be shocked!

 

GOD IS WORKING…………………….