Finally, I have something to write about…

So, I am lying in bed attempting to actually get some sleep. It’s almost 2o’clock in the morning, so I am a little annoyed by this onset of insomnia due to my weird pregnancy sleep pattern.

 

ANYWAYS… Lately I have been thinking too much about marriage and what a healthy relationship may be for me. I mean, everyone has their own ideal marriage or whatnot. Mine is sort of like all jumbled. I was thinking oddly about how one day I will watch my son get married and fall in love with a beautiful Queen. These thoughts led me to really reflect on how little I know about men… LITERALLY!

How tragic right??? I’ve spent so much time wanting to be in a real relationship with a man, but I have been going about it all wrong. I kind of treat men like objects of my adornment. One second I like a guy because he’s funny or because he’s mysterious; then suddenly I no longer am interested. I believe I have finally figured out why…

It is because I have never taken the time to get to know a man, from the very beginning of his life. I’ve never made any man open up to me about who he really is from the core because I never really thought it mattered. ODD. RIGHT?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t treat them like meat or toys… Some… I actually have had friendships with. Even then, I only recall wanting to be “with them” so that they could see how awesome I was, how worthy I was of their affection and time. WOW. I have a lot of maturing to do.

I have finally found the root of my problem with relationships. I need to have open conversations with whomever comes in my life next about who they were before college, before the job, before they became a “man”. Just like I express myself, I need a man who is willing to do the same so that I can see him as the human he is instead of a potential husband or mate.

MENS FEELINGS MATTER!!!! MENS TRUTHS MATTER!!!!!!!!!!! 

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Thoughts

Money is everywhere. Legit. EVERYWHERE. I often wonder why I can’t have millions of dollars. Like, why not? Why can’t I go to Galas, Award Shows, and nice vacation spots? Why are some of the most beautiful places so expensive? Why can’t I just enjoy them?

 

I am so frustrated with how broke I am right now. I really dislike when my money runs out, and I have no means of making lots of it like NOW.

Dear God,

I pray I can be a 2 milliondollaraire. That’d be so nice. I just want to travel with my son, and share my positive energy and be happy or what not.

Be true to yourself, be true to what you believe.

I find myself shamefully writing this blog post. I am saddened by how quickly I lost myself. How I woke up one day and lost my mind. I am writing this as a woman broken by her own carelessness. I believed for a long time that being “free” meant doing whatever it is I chose to do; in retrospect, this ideology is justified. BUT, in my life, in my spiritual journey, I was foolish.

I am a Woman who has been after Gods own heart for as long as I could remember. I have cradled the fence of sinfulness and holiness for far too long. It all started with wanting ‘friends’ as a young woman. I grew up desiring to have real friends. I pushed God away so many times in my own mind in order to fit in with the masses.

I do not blame anyone in my life for my own personal choice to be disobedient to the word of God. I blame my own absentmindedness. 

I want everyone reading this to understand: GOD IS GOD. Nothing in my life compares to the peace or joy that I have received in Christ JESUS.

I am acknowledging my lack of discipline in the gospel. I am acknowledging my lust of worldly gain(s). I am also acknowledging that I NEED Jesus. 

I, personally, cannot live a fulfilling or blessed lifestyle without reading the word faithfully. I am unhappy when I am not in the house of God. I am empty when I do not worship. I am hungry when I do not fast.

I have been vexed. I have been asleep. I have been living in sin for months now. I cannot deny that I am unclean. Yes, we are all sinners. Every sin is equal. BUT LISTEN, once I gave my life to Christ, I know that I cannot do the same things as unbelievers. 

Please pray for me. If you do not believe, I will pray for you. I am not here to argue faith or unbelief, I am simply speaking the TRUTH about my spirituality. God has set me a part, and I swear to y’all I AM NOTHING WITHOUT JESUS CHRIST. THE HOLY GHOST IS REAL, THE HOLY GHOST LIVES WITHIN ME. 

I have been suffering from attempting to be like the World around me. I have caused myself great harm spiritually and I need a revival!!!!!!!

I realize the thing I wanted most, friends, is the main reason I have lost touch with my belief in Christ. An idle mind is the devils playground and I am praying God doesn’t let me fall as hard as I’ve fallen this last season of my life.

 

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will ALWAYS kill me; inside.

Recently I have had to come to the realization that I am a self preserving Lover. I love with every intention to give and not take from anyone around me; but I also love with a logical mind. I have recently exhausted my ability to overlook disrespectful and delusional people. I have built a life for myself through countless prayers, positive affirmations and I did not allow myself to be tainted by people. I now accept that, even family, can be cut off from receiving my direct attention. I have been really good at ignoring negative vibes and negative people without guilt and shame. Now, I am going to start ignoring my family. I am going to pray for them from a distance. I am going to send them my best wishes, but I am not sacrificing my own peace of mind for their acceptance.

Anyone, who disrespects you and makes you feel badly about yourself or your life is unhealthy. ANYONE! Family is not exempt from that rule. They do not get a pass from me anymore. 

 

For anyone reading this, learn to accept when ties have been severed and let your family members be miserable alone. Don’t invite them into your home (I know that’s hard), don’t spend your last dime on them, don’t let them say disrespectful words and shame you, don’t let their demons come and destroy whatever it is you have built for yourself. I am accepting of the release of my loved ones. I am okay with not answering phones calls, I am okay with not letting them into my home, I am okay with not being close to some of them anymore. I won’t live in a delusional world with miserable people. AND FAMILY IS MOST CERTAINLY INCLUDED!

I am not a doctor. I am not a therapist. I am not a rehabilitation center. I am not a human being and I will not be a hurt persons punching bag. 

FOCUS

Focus

noun the center of interest or activity 

verb pay particular attention to 

 

Y’all do not understand how difficult it is to be honest with myself. I swear, I can lay in my bed all day and really believe in my mind that I am fulfilling my dreams. It’s insane. Ultimately, I lose focus on my bigger goals, dreams, and aspirations. I lose interest in the biggest parts of my happiness. I refrain from actively focusing on the creative instinct God placed in me because of how stressful life is. I don’t want or desire for anyone else to be like me. 

I hope that young or old women globally find their focus and don’t lose it. I pray that their minds eye acts as a microscope on the desires of their hearts. I want to encourage you to pay particular attention to your music, art, math class, English lesson, 20 page essay, monologue script, job assignment, and business. I cannot express how easy it is to LOSE FOCUS. Small problems turn into disabling habits. Literally.

 

Fight for your focus. Don’t let your dreams die because of a boy, a blunt, a bottle or an invite. Your accomplishments directly reflect the amount of attention and time you put into whatever it is you want your life to be. 

 

I believe in us. I believe in THE FOCUS.

 

Forgiving someone does not mean a “continuation” of the relationship.

Whether it is personal, an associate, business or simply causal; forgiving someone does not equate to them staying around. I’ve learned about many people in all 5 states that I have resided. There have been a handful of people that I have purposely cut ties with because of character traits that I can not personally associate with; which is entirely my choice.

For example, there was a woman whom lived in my 1 bedroom town-home. I invited her to stay with me because her and her then, 1 year old son, were homeless on the streets of Atlanta, GA. She of course acted friendly for at LEAST 2 weeks before her character began to show negative and incomprehensible signs. I kept ignoring the red flags: always starting arguments with me, always feeling “inferior”, always making jokes, always comparing, etc. The list could go on… ANYWAYS, I chose to ignore these signs which ultimately led to us getting physical and me leaving to move back home to Seattle.

If I were as forgiving as people would like me to be, she’d probably still be in my life somehow. Whether that be a Facebook friend, or follower on Instagram. But, I refused ANY contact with her after our altercation. I refused to respond to her emails. I refused to accept her false letter of apology because it was very demeaning and sarcastic. I no longer wanted her in my life.

Did I lose anything by cutting her completely off? NOPE. Do I regret burning that bridge? NOPE. Because I KNOW what I deserve out of friendships. I know what I need out of friends. I don’t need any added stressors from people who consider themselves my “friend”.

I choose my friends very wisely. Now, don’t get me wrong, I give a lot of people the benefit of the doubt. If there is a person that I know wasn’t purposely being malice or disrespectful towards me, I consider their heart. 

Love thyself more than you Love relations.

  • Don’t settle with any kind of “friend”.
  • Don’t accept things that affect you negativey!
  •  Signs of a Toxic FRIENDSHIP.
  • Don’t push things under the carpet.
  • Know yourself (Keep getting to know yourself).
  • Don’t let people sell you “loyalty
    • I have met some manipulative wo(men) who make you feel obligated to continue a friendship just because they feel they deserve it
  • BE YOU! UNAPOLOGETIC ALLY
  • Know what you deserve out of a person
  • Listen to your heart, it’ll rarely lead you wrong

 

 

Know that you are more important than that other person, they are just meeting you, you’ve known yourself your whole life!!!!!!!!