Pain I could have avoided…

So, recently I have been seeing this new guy. I mean, it’s seriously not that serious. BUT, I have found myself really liking him and wishing that I could spend more time with him. He’s super busy, of course, because I always like guys who are busy or productive. I just feel so alone. It is not his fault that I am feeling so alone or that I am forced to stay home every night of the week because I am on bed rest; I just wish I would stop meeting guys I like.

At this point, I seriously need to listen to the lessons that God is teaching me about my lonely season. I believe that I keep running into this same “issue” with relationships because it is not time for me to be in love.

Song of Songs 3:1-9

All night long on my bed
    I looked for the one my heart loves;
    I looked for him but did not find him.
I will get up now and go about the city,
    through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
    So I looked for him but did not find him.
The watchmen found me
    as they made their rounds in the city.
    “Have you seen the one my heart loves?”
Scarcely had I passed them
    when I found the one my heart loves.
I held him and would not let him go
    till I had brought him to my mother’s house,
    to the room of the one who conceived me.
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
    by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
    until it so desires.***

I am so exhausted at this point in my life of my own human nature because I want so badly to be different and mature and self controlled. It seems like the more I want to change, the less I actually do.

My prayer:

LORD, please keep me from falling. I know that I am a sinner, and I am guilty. I confess my ways to you. Release me from this imprisonment of my mind. JESUS, I ask of you to keep me strong where I am weak and fill me up with your goodness. Father, grant me the desires of my heart when it is time. Give me patience. 

AMEN.

 

 

 

***scripture reading

Advertisements

Hormones…

I woke up this morning extremely irritated. Like, just automatic irritation. I know a lot of people think pregnancy is so beautiful, but, I am just irritated. I just want to have my baby boy now, I really am trying to deal with the uncontrollable emotions. They’re so intense. JESUS!!!!!

 

PLEASE, WHATEVER YOU DO, KEEP YOURSELF FROM FALLING. SEX IS NOT JUST SEX.

Finally, I have something to write about…

So, I am lying in bed attempting to actually get some sleep. It’s almost 2o’clock in the morning, so I am a little annoyed by this onset of insomnia due to my weird pregnancy sleep pattern.

 

ANYWAYS… Lately I have been thinking too much about marriage and what a healthy relationship may be for me. I mean, everyone has their own ideal marriage or whatnot. Mine is sort of like all jumbled. I was thinking oddly about how one day I will watch my son get married and fall in love with a beautiful Queen. These thoughts led me to really reflect on how little I know about men… LITERALLY!

How tragic right??? I’ve spent so much time wanting to be in a real relationship with a man, but I have been going about it all wrong. I kind of treat men like objects of my adornment. One second I like a guy because he’s funny or because he’s mysterious; then suddenly I no longer am interested. I believe I have finally figured out why…

It is because I have never taken the time to get to know a man, from the very beginning of his life. I’ve never made any man open up to me about who he really is from the core because I never really thought it mattered. ODD. RIGHT?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t treat them like meat or toys… Some… I actually have had friendships with. Even then, I only recall wanting to be “with them” so that they could see how awesome I was, how worthy I was of their affection and time. WOW. I have a lot of maturing to do.

I have finally found the root of my problem with relationships. I need to have open conversations with whomever comes in my life next about who they were before college, before the job, before they became a “man”. Just like I express myself, I need a man who is willing to do the same so that I can see him as the human he is instead of a potential husband or mate.

MENS FEELINGS MATTER!!!! MENS TRUTHS MATTER!!!!!!!!!!! 

Thoughts

Money is everywhere. Legit. EVERYWHERE. I often wonder why I can’t have millions of dollars. Like, why not? Why can’t I go to Galas, Award Shows, and nice vacation spots? Why are some of the most beautiful places so expensive? Why can’t I just enjoy them?

 

I am so frustrated with how broke I am right now. I really dislike when my money runs out, and I have no means of making lots of it like NOW.

Dear God,

I pray I can be a 2 milliondollaraire. That’d be so nice. I just want to travel with my son, and share my positive energy and be happy or what not.

Be true to yourself, be true to what you believe.

I find myself shamefully writing this blog post. I am saddened by how quickly I lost myself. How I woke up one day and lost my mind. I am writing this as a woman broken by her own carelessness. I believed for a long time that being “free” meant doing whatever it is I chose to do; in retrospect, this ideology is justified. BUT, in my life, in my spiritual journey, I was foolish.

I am a Woman who has been after Gods own heart for as long as I could remember. I have cradled the fence of sinfulness and holiness for far too long. It all started with wanting ‘friends’ as a young woman. I grew up desiring to have real friends. I pushed God away so many times in my own mind in order to fit in with the masses.

I do not blame anyone in my life for my own personal choice to be disobedient to the word of God. I blame my own absentmindedness. 

I want everyone reading this to understand: GOD IS GOD. Nothing in my life compares to the peace or joy that I have received in Christ JESUS.

I am acknowledging my lack of discipline in the gospel. I am acknowledging my lust of worldly gain(s). I am also acknowledging that I NEED Jesus. 

I, personally, cannot live a fulfilling or blessed lifestyle without reading the word faithfully. I am unhappy when I am not in the house of God. I am empty when I do not worship. I am hungry when I do not fast.

I have been vexed. I have been asleep. I have been living in sin for months now. I cannot deny that I am unclean. Yes, we are all sinners. Every sin is equal. BUT LISTEN, once I gave my life to Christ, I know that I cannot do the same things as unbelievers. 

Please pray for me. If you do not believe, I will pray for you. I am not here to argue faith or unbelief, I am simply speaking the TRUTH about my spirituality. God has set me a part, and I swear to y’all I AM NOTHING WITHOUT JESUS CHRIST. THE HOLY GHOST IS REAL, THE HOLY GHOST LIVES WITHIN ME. 

I have been suffering from attempting to be like the World around me. I have caused myself great harm spiritually and I need a revival!!!!!!!

I realize the thing I wanted most, friends, is the main reason I have lost touch with my belief in Christ. An idle mind is the devils playground and I am praying God doesn’t let me fall as hard as I’ve fallen this last season of my life.

 

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will ALWAYS kill me; inside.

Recently I have had to come to the realization that I am a self preserving Lover. I love with every intention to give and not take from anyone around me; but I also love with a logical mind. I have recently exhausted my ability to overlook disrespectful and delusional people. I have built a life for myself through countless prayers, positive affirmations and I did not allow myself to be tainted by people. I now accept that, even family, can be cut off from receiving my direct attention. I have been really good at ignoring negative vibes and negative people without guilt and shame. Now, I am going to start ignoring my family. I am going to pray for them from a distance. I am going to send them my best wishes, but I am not sacrificing my own peace of mind for their acceptance.

Anyone, who disrespects you and makes you feel badly about yourself or your life is unhealthy. ANYONE! Family is not exempt from that rule. They do not get a pass from me anymore. 

 

For anyone reading this, learn to accept when ties have been severed and let your family members be miserable alone. Don’t invite them into your home (I know that’s hard), don’t spend your last dime on them, don’t let them say disrespectful words and shame you, don’t let their demons come and destroy whatever it is you have built for yourself. I am accepting of the release of my loved ones. I am okay with not answering phones calls, I am okay with not letting them into my home, I am okay with not being close to some of them anymore. I won’t live in a delusional world with miserable people. AND FAMILY IS MOST CERTAINLY INCLUDED!

I am not a doctor. I am not a therapist. I am not a rehabilitation center. I am not a human being and I will not be a hurt persons punching bag. 

FOCUS

Focus

noun the center of interest or activity 

verb pay particular attention to 

 

Y’all do not understand how difficult it is to be honest with myself. I swear, I can lay in my bed all day and really believe in my mind that I am fulfilling my dreams. It’s insane. Ultimately, I lose focus on my bigger goals, dreams, and aspirations. I lose interest in the biggest parts of my happiness. I refrain from actively focusing on the creative instinct God placed in me because of how stressful life is. I don’t want or desire for anyone else to be like me. 

I hope that young or old women globally find their focus and don’t lose it. I pray that their minds eye acts as a microscope on the desires of their hearts. I want to encourage you to pay particular attention to your music, art, math class, English lesson, 20 page essay, monologue script, job assignment, and business. I cannot express how easy it is to LOSE FOCUS. Small problems turn into disabling habits. Literally.

 

Fight for your focus. Don’t let your dreams die because of a boy, a blunt, a bottle or an invite. Your accomplishments directly reflect the amount of attention and time you put into whatever it is you want your life to be. 

 

I believe in us. I believe in THE FOCUS.