Guarded Mind.

For anyone who wants my love, here, you can have it.

Openly, vulnerably, genuinely; it is yours.

But for anyone who wants my mind you have run out of time.

I have no ‘free’ game to offer or words of advice.

My mind has been tainted. I need a cleansed mind.

It does not think about butterflies, mermaids, and fairies anymore.

Freely given to anyone who asked… I allowed my mind to be beaten, battered and harassed

For now, you are no longer welcomed in my amygdala.

I don’t want memories of you and I.

I no longer desire to create any lasting, anything.

I’m fed up of lost dreams.

You can have my love.

Without spending time.

Without connecting dots.

We will coexist.

That’s it.

 

regaining my “self appreciation”, even when I fail myself.

For 23 years, I have been winning and losing uncontrollably. I can honestly admit that most of my losses were due to poor judgments, stupid decisions and careless actions. BUT, when I do win, I win BIG TIME. I remember when I was in Beijing, China; volunteering at a children’s orphanage. I was on a mission trip with Lifeworks International. 2011, this was a huge win for me because I was able to utilize my God given gifts as a humanitarian. Better yet, I was blessed to travel internationally as a young black girl born into poverty. While on my trip I encountered so many miraculous moments that have forever changed the way I seek love, and give love. I was growing in my experience.

Fast forward to 2017 (recently), I found myself head under water in debt. I decided to try stripping (yes, STRIP CLUB STRIPPER). What a fool I was to believe it would fulfill some kind of ‘bucketlist’ list and make me feel ALIVE. Don’t get me wrong, the experience itself was not bad. However, when I examine who I am at the core, it’s pitiful. I went from being this dreamer… Always praying for God to make me some sort of hero so that I could influence (positively) other young poor black girls. But I wasn’t. I was only perpetuating the stereotype that IF YOU ARE DOING BAD, STRIPPING IS ALWAYS AN OPTION. But I did not use the money to help fund anything positive, I did not even do it for longer than a week…. I was playing a fool ON PURPOSE.

Being a woman who is free spirited, I’ve found myself doing, saying and unintintionally creating a world of darkness and chaos.

At this point, I am consciously probing myself to look back at 2011. I have to remember who I am genuienly. Who I have always been before the BOOZE, BLUNTS AND BOUGIE MEN… In this very moment, I was relearning myself. Or, I guess a better term would be, reinventing myself. 

And I appreciate myself for this moment. I am grateful to myself. I am honest with myself. I CAN be ANYTHING that I want to be. I am free in that regard; but what I failed to identify was my true identity. I failed myself this year because I did not remember who I was…

“I can be anything that I want to be. I am free in that regard; but what I failed to identify was my true identity.”

Honestly, I don’t think I knew what I was. Who I was. And what it meant to truly be a hero. Right now, I am my own hero because I am saving my future self from the false ideology that NOTHING REALLY MATTERS. 

Because I matter. My purpose matters. My self love, MATTERS.

 

That is how you conquer your demons, and continue saving your own life.

Bills, Bills, Bills…

I can’t express how annoyed I am by my own complacency. I swear, I do dream BIG. But my actions are so opposite of my dreams.

In order to be wealthy, I must first be rich, and before I can even think of riches; I have to catch up and pay off debts that hinder me from even being able to live lavish.

 

Its time to knock out some of these bills, and collections I have been putting on hold.

AMERICA, YOU WON’T WIN. I SWEAR, I will conquer these demons!! (YES, bills are from the devil). lol

I feel alive even though I am so unsure what my future will be like…

Or look like, or sound like, or any of that. I feel so  unbothered some moments, and others, I feel so ashamed and gothy. (As in gothy, I mean emo). I am seriously going through a mid-twenties-crisis and I just want to freaking find myself; yet again.

 

I hope I am not the only 23 year old feeling so lowly. I swear I don’t wish bad on anyone, and I try to keep my shitty decisions to a minimum. People have to know that 20-somethings are difficult and daunting. Living becomes cynical and working seems like a never ending chore… I just want to be on an island, sipping tea and enjoying a man who enjoys me.

 

But that is NOT my reality. I am a natural messup. I just somehow get out of things alive. I ruin my finances and I don’t save enough. I party wayyy too much and I trust the wrong people constantly. It is honestly exhausting dealing with myself most days.

Sometimes, I wish that time would just fast forward so that I can be old and grey with tons of great great grandchildren running around. Hopefully a handsome husband that loves me and I love deearrly. I still want to be goofy, free and spiritual; of course. 

 

I dont like everything about myself. Some of my character flaws have gotten me into too many horrible situations. I can only pray to be a better 24 year old and so on… 

Can we both agree that we’re just sort of learning this whole life thing together?

Bonjour toute le monde

J’ai Chantier but I prefer to be called Bonnie. Anyone who is new to my life, or journey or even blog, here is where you can catch up.

 

I am glad I finally am brave enough to share this… It is so personal, but necessary that you get to know me through a long history of who I truly am. You probably met me once or twice or maybe we kicked it and exchanged numbers. Idk, either way, don’t lose touch.

 

Welcome to my blog, I hope you enjoy getting to know my truth.

SMBC

S is for the selflessness I seek

M is for the monetary gifts

B is for the very very blessed life we will live.

and

C is for Christs love for us!!!!

 

 

AHHHH!!!!!! 23 years old, and I have finally discovered something I can be really great at. After these last few years that have really made me feel a lot more a-sexual, than anything, I do believe I have a choice in my future lifestyle.

 

Anyways, I live in Austin, Texas officially. So over everythinng except for seeking the LORD and the highest vibrations of joy and peace.